So anyhoo, I was alone for a day and half ( around 32 hours to be precise) – no contact with xx whatsoever, all cooped in my room watching sitcoms, movies and whatnot. Damn boring and worst case condition for my ever-thinking head. Lets just say that by the end of it, I wasn’t a very nice person to be around. So who got to face the show, you ask? well it was xx. So last night, poor xx called me up to discuss how bad it was going with his fiancee. And I was furious.

It went on for two to three hours- I was very mean to him. I am really really sorry about the way I behaved, even though I fully deserved to be angry. Just that my behavior wasnt fully warranted. After seeing his reaction, I realised how unfair I had been. Poor fellow, he was not having a very nice time with the fiancee and was really looking forward to some consolation from me!

Today was my off day – some acidity. ( extra spicy curry yesterday). Went for a walk with the dude. I realized that I am not really showing love towards this person – I am just hurt cos people have other business to attend to. I mean, this guy didnt leave me alone cos he dint care about me. He really couldnt help not talking to me. And he loves me enough to take all my crap and still want to be with me. wow! My whole perspective towards him was wrong. Looks like I never thought this whole marriage thing through. I was too busy dodging guys, chasing guys and crying over being fat. Sheesh! So, whatever happened, I am glad it happened. I just hope that the good God who has shown me this much will let me have the sense to remember this every single moment of my life. cos last night is never coming back again :’(

So, when this guy was interested in me – I said yes. I took time – five months to be precise. But I said yes. I felt no attraction to him physically, he did not impress me intellectually and I despised his movie choices. But his family was good and he was the only guy who treated me well. So I said yes.

And now, suddenly, he has broken off the relationship. I don’t feel particularly sad – in the sense that I don’t miss him. But I feel sad for myself. How the hell am I going to find a “good” guy who I really like AND who has a suitable family background? I don’t know. What if, I have to end up with some gross, commanding man who might not be that qualified? I better be alone in that case. But the fact is, I don’t do a good job of being alone, however much I hate people ( they’re the worst! – one of my favs from SE IN FELD). So, I’ve got to find someone.

How, where, when I don’t know. If I turn 30 and I don’t get married, I’d have to kill myself. No wait, my family see to it that I am /\/\~~~—- ( ECG going blank )

Anyways, watched the latest episode of h-o-w i m-e-t y-o-u-r m-o-t-h-e-r. Did I say I love B-a-r-n-e-y and L-i-l-y? I think they are the best characters in the show Also watched an awesome episode in S-e-i-n-f-e-l-d ( the understudy) – really great stuff!

Pssst… I read some really useful stuff on the net about anger management. It seems people who are easily angered have a demanding attitude – correct in my case. Also, they say genetics may play a role in determining this attitude – i am hoping my genetics are alright, cos i really don’t want to be this angry, moody person anymore.

What is the way to combat your anger? to bring it in your control? Actually my problem is not that I get angry – but that I get very upset after that. Its fair to get angry but its not fair to react in way that will impact you and your loved ones.

Things which piss me off:

- when my patience is tested. like in a supermarket line.. and especially in lunch line – picture this, I am terribly hungry ( ok moderately hungry ) and there’s this huge queue in front of me. finally i reach the counter to serve myself and this guy in front of me is taking hell lot of time, picking out each vegetable/ measuring d-a-l or s-a-m-b-a-r into his plate slowly till he feels its ok… or else just standing there in such a way, i am blocked and cant move forward. I feel like asking this asshole to move his ass.

- when i am ridiculed for being fat. i have more immunity to this than the comments about me being short.,..maybe because i know i can do something about my weight, but cant help my height

- when i am ridiculed for being short. even simple comments will do – no need for elaborate teasing)

- when my manager / superior makes a derogatory comment in front of the whole team – about ” what did u do whole day yesterday” ( forgetting that just the previous day, i have worked really well, beyond expectations; forgetting that i dint have resources to work yesterday)

- when i see that other people are “really” awesome and i can’t hate them however much rich/ beautiful/accomplished they are; i think this stems from the fear that my loved one will finally see how crappy i am and move on to the other people

- when i badly want to talk to my dearest one, and the phone at other end is busy.

- when i am treated unfairly at work with respect to other people i.e., favoritism

- when i see how all my “friends” classmates are doing, sitting in n-e-w y-o-r-k or A-u-s-t-r-a-l-i-a or wherever with a well qualified beautiful wife/ handsome husband in tow.

- when i talk to my dad – just starts pouring out questions as soon as i pick up the call. in fact now i hate conversations with my elder bro – he’s the same.

- when things don’t go my way

- when i feel people don’t value me – very very subjective.

What’s the solution to this problem?  I know a handful of people who are cool to the core. Maybe I should have a role model as to how I should behave. I don’t know any other way out of this angry mess

If you want to speak in term of numbers, I have gained around 25 kilos of weight in the past 9 years! I was a “healthy” 54 kgs and pretty plump when I was in 12th. Then I joined B.  E and in the first year alone, I lost close to 9 kgs due to workshop and reduced eating. At that time, my dad became anxious and urged me to eat on, because his friends used to ask him whether I was sick.

By the time I passed out of B.  E in 2003,  I had slowly regained the lost weight – I was back at 54kgs. In Bang alore, I binged on kerala rice meals late at night when in a mallu PG. Slowly by 2006 end, I was at 56-57. Come Feb 2007 and something amazing happened in my life. But I started putting on weight at an alarming rate. Credits are due to the appams and pepper chicken from coco nut grove and rice meals with fish from sri devi. By the time I left Company-1, I was at 64. In Company-2, I started attending gym regularly along with a strict diet and I “started looking like a normal girl again” ( instead of a small elephant). Due to work pressure, ( and the whiny, drama queen boss), I started skipping gym and binging on Mess food again – regular rice meals and fish at night.  Now, one year later, I am at 70! I never thought I would hit the 70 mark. I weighed 70 at a local restaurants weighing machine – I thought the scale was broken until I confirmed it on my own bathroom scale.

I might be getting married in another 5-6 months and I desperately want to wear the white gown. Of course, getting a guy itself was a big achievement with my figure. That is a story in itself – some other time. This guy doesn’t seem to be bothered by my increasing weight – though I am not too sure about this, we’ll have to see. So, to conclude, I have to lose weight by March -April time frame. And I don’t even want to imagine how hard its going to be.